I went back to work and left my baby at home.

“That feeling when you go to take your daughter and she holds on tighter to the person she’s being held by and looks and moves away from you, nuzzling further into their shoulder and arms. Painful, it pulls at your heart. It immediately ignites irrational thoughts such as “my daughter doesn’t like me” and “what am I doing wrong?”. This is what happened to me last week.

I recently went back to work full time, so my 15-month-old is adjusting to a new nursery and nanny set up. She seems to like both, but I can’t help but feel guilty for not being there, for not being the one that is there to change her, pick her up, play with her, feed her and be everything that I have been to her up until now. Until recently, my baby has adored me and always wanted to be held by me, sometimes over daddy, which if I’m honest, I secretly liked. It also made sense as I was also the primary caregiver. Now things are shifting as me and my husband become equals in the work and caregiving. I recognised that there would be a transition within the family which I welcomed as a healthy change but not only does my daughter seem to prefer her daddy, she seems to prefer my friends over me.

Being a parent is amazing and the continuous learning for me absolutely blows my mind. Despite my rational brain telling me not to get upset over what feels like my daughter’s rejection, it has upset me. I’ve read up about it and it is perfectly normal and that does help a bit, but my brain is still in overdrive trying to figure out if me working is good or bad for my daughter, husband, me, for the family. Will me not being there have a detrimental effect on her for the rest of her life? Dramatic I know, but it has crossed my mind. Of course, it’s not that black or white but it’s a challenge that mums face and have to work through. The mum's guilt is real. The learning curve is big.

My daughter’s current behaviour may be a reaction to me going back to work full time, it may be a reaction to starting nursery, to having a new nanny, it could be a reaction to all of this, or it could simply be a phase. Who knows but what I do know is that being away from her at work makes me miss her so much.  So, when I see her, I am so happy to see her that I give her so much love and attention, far more than when I was with her all day, every day. I am learning how to be a working mum and how to be away from my daughter. I am playing with my daughter, giving her the laughs, the faces, the energy as I know this is a big transition for her, as well as me, and I want her to know that I am always here, unconditionally, no matter what.”

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