My Baby was born at 32 weeks.
One thing I never expected in my first pregnancy was for my daughter to be born prematurely. Of course I had heard about it before and I knew prematurity existed but that's just something that happens to other people...right? In my case, wrong.
My first child, my daughter Emilia-Rey, arrived very unexpectedly when I was 32+4 weeks pregnant.
I wasn't prepared for this at all.
I'd not yet had my midwife appointment to discuss my birth plan, I'd not packed a hospital bag, I'd barely had a chance to get into the third trimester and enjoy 'nesting' ready for our new arrival.
Bliss, the leading UK charity for babies born premature or sick needing neonatal care, advise that 60,000 babies are born prematurely in the UK each year and most premature births are spontaneous, with no clear cause.
This was definitely the case for me. In fact, my labour started when I was on my baby moon around 100 miles from home. I didn't know I was in labour until around 36 hours later when I was back home and thought it sensible to get checked by midwife triage when my 'twinges' persisted. After some observations I was informed I was already 5cm dilated and would be having the baby so needed to have some steroid injections as her lungs weren't yet fully developed to be outside of me. Maybe I was in shock, but throughout this time and the remainder of my labour I stayed calm. I had practiced hypnobirthing through pregnancy. Although I had only just got about halfway through the course I'd bought, I'm so thankful that I'd covered the section on breathing and visualisations as it helped me so much.
The World Health Organisation defines preterm birth as any babies born alive before 37 weeks of pregnancy. On this basis, Emilia-Rey was 4.5 weeks premature. Based on a 'full term' 40 week pregnancy she was 7.5 weeks early. My due date from that first midwife appointment was 21st June so I'd envisaged a summer baby; she was born on 21st April.
It all happened so fast; I didn't have time to think about what my baby being born early meant for afterwards. For me, it meant that the peadeatric teams were present at the delivery. On standby, in case any intervention was needed. After a very quick introduction, she was then whisked off to NICU, the neonatal intensive care unit. Again, something I had heard of in passing but never paid too much attention to. A place which immediately after birth became my daughter's home for the first 3 weeks of her life.
That time was so overwhelming. That being said, I wanted to share some of the main things that helped me and my partner navigate this unexpected start to parenthood:
1. Advocating for myself as well as my baby. I can never thank the staff enough as they saved my daughter and kept her alive but you and the staff need to remember you are the mother and that should be respected (in line with any safety concerns).
2. Communicating with friends and family openly about exactly what support I needed so that they weren't making any assumptions and just offering what they thought I needed.
3. Putting boundaries in place around visitors where possible if it felt right.
4. Taking one day at a time. I know it's so easily said but we were never certain when discharge day would be so I didn't count down days or anything.
5. Spend time outside/somewhere other than NICU each day if possible, even if for a 5min walk or change if scenery to grab a coffee. I know it's so hard to leave your baby when you're forced to be separated in those early days/weeks for medical reasons but you matter. If you can try and take some time to recharge then you can be more present with them when you are there.
6. As much skin to skin as you can. My little girl was tiny and just in a nappy so I'd pop her inside my t-shirt and have dungarees on to hold her in place ❤️
7. Plan a babymoon for when you get home as something to look forward to. Clear your diary for a week or 2. Organise a meal delivery service or get friends to stock up your freezer. Cancel any plans so you and baby can make your own bubble and spend all day bonding in bed, watch your favourite comedies to get the oxytocin flowing and have lots of snuggles.
8. Access support in hospital if you can. The NICU I was on had a family support worker to talk to and also pointed me in the direction of breastfeeding support albeit we still had a tricky journey anyway.
9. Write down anything you're unhappy with during the NICU stay. It will vary depending on the hospital but you may be able to feedback to the ward or have a debrief with someone senior during or after your stay.
10. Give yourself permission to feel all the feelings. It can be so conflicting to love them so much but feel so overwhelmingly sad and heartbroken at the same time.
I wanted to share the above so that pregnant mamas can be a bit more prepared than I was just in case prematurity becomes part of your story too. For those who have already experienced this as part of their journey, here is a poem I wrote for my daughter when I was 18 months postpartum…
To the mother
Whose baby was born but taken away
Who gave birth but held no baby in her arms
Whose baby needed a mask and tube to keep them alive
Who had to ask permission to hold her own child
Whose heart broke as she watched every heel prick test
Who had to learn to tube feed
Who couldn't find clothes or nappies small enough to fit them
Who felt guilty for not carrying their baby long enough to keep them safe
Who learnt what phototherapy was
Whose whole world crumbled when they were taken back to an empty room away from their child
Who changed nappies and held hands through the juggle of tubes and wires
Who learnt what it's like to carry a heart bursting with love and sadness simultaneously
Who stayed in hospital post birth far longer than expected
Who waited patiently to be able to be alone with their child for the first time
Who graduated NICU and is forever grateful but forever traumatised
I hear you
I feel you
I am you
❤️
Take Care Mama, you’ve got this!
You are stronger than you ever thought possible.
Jessica.
